Meeting Myself
Being on holidays is such a beautiful thing. It’s an invitation to unplug, unwind, and relax. For some, that’s an easy task, for others that’s a daunting endeavor, because it requires a choice. Do you fill that time with things (friends, events, reading, social media) which in and of themselves isn’t bad and can be beautiful experiences, but it can be easy to fill your entire holidays with things. Or do you take that time to really stop, unplug, and intentionally dive in and meet with yourself? If you choose the latter, there is a level of bravery, rawness, vulnerability and authenticity that is required.
I have often run from meeting with myself as there is a fear of what I will find. My mind is a vast terrain with deep valleys filled with lush vegetation; incredible canyons that are coupled with difficult journeys and incredible views; desert storms that are so intense that it feels impossible to find my way out of; still waters where I can rest and heal my soul; and sinkholes that seem so intense that the only way I know how to navigate them is by numbing with social media.
Today I got stuck in a dark corner of my mind, and I met a part of myself that I had been running from. There was such a deep feeling of despair, isolation and deep loneliness that was so incredibly debilitating and hopeless. The storm outside cut off my connection to go and sit by the lake, where normally, I would find reprieve and a sense of safety, calm and stillness from all the thoughts inside of my mind.
I was stuck with myself - in every sense. I searched for someone to reach out to but my mind kept me captive and I could not muster up the strength and courage needed to be vulnerable and reach out. The whirlwind of thoughts, self doubt, negativity, and thinking that I was unworthy of someone's time echoed so loudly. It took everything in me to be able to compose myself enough to search through the sound bath replays to find the one I go to in order to help ground me.
As I sit here writing this out, I am still listening to that audio on replay. It's probably close to 50 times replaying the same track.
The courage, strength and vulnerability that it took for me to meet myself, I honestly didn't know I had that in me. Looking back, though I went through that experience alone, and am stronger for it, I realize I didn't have to. I have this beautiful community of people who want to be there for one another and grow together. I am not the only person who struggles with vulnerability, feelings of inadequacy, and self doubt. But there is this sense of shame and secrecy that acts as quicksand and keeps us stuck and sinking deeper. All it takes is one moment - a choice - to be brave and to muster enough courage, to wade through the inner voices and narratives, to reach out, and find that connection. For someone to help us out of the quicksand. To sit with us in our pain, grief, chaos, and despair. Not needing to fix anything, just having someone there as a lighthouse, showing us that we are not alone and there is a beacon of hope in the middle of the storm.
That is what community is about. Sometimes we will be the lighthouse for others, and other times we'll be the ones in search of that beacon. But it is an invitation to show up as our most authentic selves - together, we grow, trust, and come out stronger on the other side.