Perfectionism is No Longer My Badge of Honor
Perfectionism is a sneaky bitch. It whispers that if we just try harder, work longer, and never slip up, we'll finally be enough. For who? Usually ourselves, because we are way harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else. I’ve done this for most of my life. Set impossible standards that have kept me stuck in a cycle of self-doubt, procrastination, and burnout.
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to do a good job. It manifests in three ways:
Self-oriented perfectionism – Holding ourselves to unrealistic standards, feeling like we are never quite good enough.
Other-oriented perfectionism – Expecting perfection from those around us, leading to frustration and strained relationships.
Socially-prescribed perfectionism – Feeling like others expect us to be flawless, fearing judgment or rejection if we fall short.
Perfectionism isn’t real, realistic, or attainable. It’s fueled by shame, fear, imposter syndrome, and a deep-seated belief that our worth is tied to our achievements.
Where Does It Come From?
I learned perfectionism early in life, and chances are, you did, too. Maybe you had parents who held you to impossibly high standards, or you absorbed cultural messages about what success should look like. For neurodivergent folks, perfectionism can be deeply entwined with masking, rejection sensitivity, and rigid thinking patterns, something that I didn’t have the language for back then, but I now understand in retrospect.
ADHD – Struggles with executive function can lead to fixating on details, over-preparing, or feeling paralyzed by the need to get everything "just right." It can also lead to task paralysis - failing to start because we feel overwhelmed thinking about what it’s going to take to get everything ‘perfect’ - or the awareness that we don’t know enough to get it right the first time, so we need to learn more before we can even start. Then proceeding to hyperfixate and fall down internet rabbit holes for days or weeks at a time (I once heard another brilliant business coach, Dr. Amanda Barrientez, call this procrasti-learning and I felt so seen.).
Autism – Black-and-white thinking, the need for control, and societal pressure to conform can drive perfectionist tendencies. For me, my literal thinking also took over. I heard “always do your best” → I once got a perfect score on an assignment, so my “best” is 100% → I proceeded to give 100% and shame myself every time I got questions wrong or made mistakes because it wasn’t my best. At the time, I couldn’t step into the ‘gray area’ and understand that my best is different every day. It’s still hard for me sometimes.
OCD & Anxiety – An intense fear of making mistakes, moral rigidity, and obsessive attention to detail can make perfectionism feel unavoidable.This one can be truly crippling at times.
Our spicy brains also crave certainty, so sometimes, (ok a lot of the time) perfectionism is a way to have a sense of control when everything else feels chaotic. It's a shield we put up in attempt to predict outcomes. We also use it to prevent others from seeing the truth - to control their perception of us. We think hiding the imperfections can help us dodge those feelings of rejection. Turns out, they just get replaced with imposter syndrome (aka self-rejection) because even if other people can’t see it on the outside, we know the truth. And so the spiral begins…
The Perfectionism and Shame Spiral
Perfectionism isn’t just exhausting—it’s self-defeating. For me, it often plays out like this:
Set impossibly high standards.
Feel overwhelmed, procrastinate, or avoid the task altogether.
Judge myself harshly for not meeting (unreasonable) expectations.
Double down—push harder, work longer, learn more (but probably just sit at my desk and doom scroll to numb the stream of self-depricating profanity in my head).
Burn out, feel unworthy, and repeat the cycle.
What If You Let It Go?
What if, instead of striving for perfection, you aimed for progress? What if you replaced self-judgment with curiosity? I know, I know. Our logical brains can see a simple solution, but I’m not going to pretend that simple and easy are the same thing. It’s not a switch we flip. It’s a constant practice. And breaking this cycle is hard. It’s also worth it (take it from a recovering perfectionist).
Notice when perfectionist thoughts arise.
Ask yourself: Is this true? Where is this belief coming from?
Reframe your thinking in a way that feels believable:
Instead of I should, try It would benefit me to…
Instead of I have to be perfect, try I am learning…
Instead of I’m a failure, try I’m in the process of growing.
Practicing Self-Compassion
The antidote to perfectionism isn’t more pressure—it’s self-compassion. It’s allowing yourself to be human, to make mistakes, to grow. It’s embracing the messy, creative, imperfect process of learning and living.
As I’ve been working on this on my own journey, it’s worth noting that it’s not all bad. There are a lot of ways that my perfectionistic tendencies have served me well in life. They’ve helped me achieve so many things, and have made me the person others count on when they need to zoom in on the details - they know I’ll notice things most people don’t - or poke holes in an idea or strategy to make sure that we leave no stone unturned.
I like that, and I’ve learned that I can keep those qualities, but continue to move toward a healthier approach to my life and work. One that doesn’t leave me exhausted and burned out and hating myself. I’ve found that when my work comes from a place of love, the output is better. I can stay curious, be ambitious, and continue to work hard, and also allow myself to make mistakes and lean on others when I feel stuck.
If perfectionism is weighing you down, you’re not alone. Join a community where you can show up as you are, your unmasked and imperfect self, without fear of judgment. Together we can practice receiving support, letting go of the need to be perfect, and embracing the beauty of just being.
Because perfect? Perfect is boring. Growth happens in the mess. And let’s be real…the mess is where our best stories come from.
